When you think of workplace conflict, what comes to mind? Arguments? Compromises? Finding solutions? Do you think of gossiping and bad feelings? Or colleagues taking ownership for mistakes?

Whatever you think of conflict, it simply comes down to a difference of opinions involving strong emotions. It can range from brief, explosive disputes to long-lasting issues. Conflict is caused by Frustration, Frustration is caused by Misunderstanding, and Misunderstanding is caused by Ignorance!

Either way, conflict triggers different behaviours in each of us from destructive to productive responses. And while conflict can be very uncomfortable, it’s a natural and inevitable part of relationships.

Because conflict will look different depending on the people and situations involved, there is no one-size-fits all answer or resolution. Take responsibility – the solution starts with you.

Your response to conflict is within your own control but you cannot control how others respond. By learning about how people behave during such situations through more effective engagement, it becomes possible to use conflict positively… a real opportunity for growth.

Focus on curbing destructive thoughts and behaviours so that conflict can become more productive, improve your workplace relationships and ultimately your results.

When conflict erupts, we frequently try to correct the other person or the group’s perceptions, lecturing them about why we’re right—and they’re wrong. Trouble is, we know this approach usually fails to resolve the conflict and often only makes it worse.

Here’s some effective strategies to try out the next time you’re tempted to argue your point.

Respond rather than react… An old friend of mine used to say, “never try to resolve an argument when emotions are still running high in both parties – sleep on it and give yourself a chance to calm down… then respond appropriately”.

Stay positive. Talk directly with the person you’re having the conflict with. Meet in a neutral place, remain calm, and treat the other person with respect… If you assume hostility from the outset, your negativity may well get the very reactions you are trying to avoid.

Don’t just listen – hear! When you raise your concerns, hear the other person out. Ask questions then genuinely listen to the answers. Try to understand the other person’s perspective and acknowledge the emotions that both of you are experiencing.

Aim for Win-Win. Be prepared to accept a solution that both parties will be satisfied with and then work together to avoid repetition of the issue causing the conflict.

Accept responsibility. Look carefully at the part you may have played in the conflict and take responsibility for your actions. Try to forgive and forget. You must learn to let go and move on after addressing the problem.

Try the group approach. If you’re annoyed by a colleague, try speaking to the whole team, explain the issue then ask for feedback from them, including the offender. Once you make the issue public it can often stop the individual in question.

Seek first to understand. Don’t jump to conclusions. Most arguments start as simple misunderstandings or misinterpretations. Hone your listening skills, ask clarifying questions, and genuinely seek to find the underlying intent.

Acknowledge others. When you make them feel genuinely heard and understood you’ll greatly increase your chances of building relationships… better than making enemies eh?

Look inward. When you’ve experienced conflict, how do you manage your emotions and handle the stress? How do you react? What coping skills do you use? Are they healthy ones? Use reflection to plan how you will handle the situation better if it happens again.

Recognise that everyone has biased fairness perceptions. Typically, everybody thinks they’re right (and the other side is wrong) because we quite literally can’t get out of our own heads. Our egos tend to influence what we believe is a fair solution to any conflict and stops us from seeing a situation from another person’s perspective.

So, when you’re next in the middle of a conflict, try to overcome your self-centred fairness perceptions. Give your colleagues a chance to explain their point of view… then genuinely attempt to argue their side as if it was yours. You just might understand their position.

Avoid escalating tensions with threats and provocative moves. When we feel we’re being ignored or steamrolled, we often try to capture the other party’s attention by making a threat, such as saying we’ll take a dispute to court or try to ruin the other party’s reputation.

Of course, there’s a time and place for everything, but threats and other attention-getting moves, such as take-it-or-leave-it offers, rarely get the desired results.

In fact, common practice is treat others the way we want to be treated… so people tend to respond to threats in kind, and this just leads to an escalation that spirals into an even worse conflict. Before making a threat, be sure you have exhausted all other options…

Everybody thinks they’re right because we quite literally can’t get out of our own heads

Stay clear of the “us versus them” mentality. Team connections build loyalty and strong relationships which can generate suspicion and hostility toward members of other teams. Worse still, teams in conflict tend to have a poor understanding of each other’s views and often see the other’s positions as more extreme than they actually are.

You can overcome any tendency to demonise the other side by looking for common ground and remind them of your common goal of reaching a fair and sustainable agreement. The more you can identify things you have in common, the better chance you have of working together to find a solution to your conflict.

Look beneath the surface to identify deeper issues. Our deepest disputes often seem to involve money: disputes over employee wages, family arguments over assets left in a will, for example. Sadly, these conflicts tend to be the kind of dispute in which one person’s gain will inevitably be the others loss.

But disputes over money usually involve a much deeper root cause. For example, the feeling you’re being disrespected or overlooked. Next time you find yourself arguing over money, try putting the conversation on hold… then take time to explore each other’s deeper concerns.

Listen closely to the other person’s grievances and try to come up with creative ways to address them. This strategy is more likely to strengthen the relationship and add new options.

Be clear on what’s non-negotiable and what isn’t. Conflict resolution becomes much harder when core values become involved, such as family bonds, religious beliefs, political views, or personal moral code.

We tend to choose not to negotiate when ‘sacred principles’ and ‘values’ are at stake, but many of the issues people consider sacred are only off-limits under certain conditions.

So, it’s important to think really carefully about what you want from any negotiation that could allow you to honour your principles whilst allowing the other party to honour theirs too.

If all else fails… get HR involved. Sometimes the conflict can be serious enough to warrant intervention from someone higher up. Follow your organisation’s formal procedures for raising a grievance. Document the problem in writing, be specific about what occurred, when it happened and what impact it had.

Remember, conflict is an opportunity for growth. Therefore, we should reflect and adjust each time it happens. Conflicts provide opportunities to appreciate different perspectives and clarify our own interests. They help us strengthen relationships and discover new ways forward. The growth we experience through reflection will allow us future challenges more effectively.